Dogs have taught me

Daily Routine
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.

I. Mealtime

Just because there doesn't seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does
not mean there is nothing around to eat... The act of staring at the underside of a
table or chair on which someone else is eating.. sets in motion a chain of events
that eventually results in food.

It goes without saying.. that you should carefully check the lower third of any space
for edibles.. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are
considered gum.

When you actually receive a meal... submerge your head into it as you would a
shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes
after the obvious food is gone. This is important....   Just because your dish is
empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.

Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually
swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate
to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.

When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean
nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.

If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have
failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. If that fails... stare long and hard, at
the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from
your lower lip.

II. Everything Else

There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with... complete and
overwhelming joy and nothing at all.

Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is
when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is
dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side,
all four limbs parallel.

The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person.

Personal Safety

A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly
     If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you
     know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance
     or have to force you away physically.

B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is
      squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your
       yard.

Recreation and Leisure

A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
1) The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
2) The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your
      only goal is to try to get out.

Health

A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are
      vaccinated, urinate on the physician.